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Coping though the Holidays.
Halloween barely passes before stores stock their shelves
with holiday decorations. Christmas carols echo through
shopping malls, and the first of the holiday commercials
hits the airwaves. If you've lost a loved one, these
can be stark reminders that the holidays won't be the
same.
Whether your loved one died recently or decades ago,
the holidays bring forth powerful memories that may
trigger your grief. If the person died on or near a
holiday, the two events are forever linked and may be
particularly painful, especially if you have unresolved
feelings about the lost relationship.
When trying to cope with grief, it's important to understand
that grief is cumulative. We don't experience a loss,
move through predetermined emotional stages, then emerge
on the other side. This holiday season, if the first
Christmas card you open or the first "Happy Hanukkah!"
you hear starts to bring on sadness, use that opportunity
to work through your feelings. Don't just ignore those
feelings. Here are some tips to help you cope.
Do: |
- Expect to have some pain. When the feelings
come, let them.
- Accept a few invitations to be with close
family or friends. Choose the ones that sound
most appealing at the time and avoid the ones
that feel more like obligation.
- Talk about your feelings. Let people know
if you're having a tough day.
- Incorporate your loved one into the holidays
- Share your favorite stories over dinner.
- Make a toast or light a candle in remembrance.
- Make a donation in his or her name.
- Help others:
° Take a meal to a homebound couple.
° Volunteer in a shelter or soup kitchen.
° "Adopt" a family to buy presents
or food for.
- Modify or make new traditions if it feels
right. Just remember to include others who are
grieving, especially children, in the decision.
- If the idea of holiday shopping overwhelms
you, buy gifts online or through catalogs.
- Replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
- Prepare yourself for January. Sometimes the
aftermath of the holidays can bring more sadness
than the holidays themselves.
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Don't: |
- Don't hide your feelings from children in
an effort to be strong for them or protect them.
You'll only be teaching them to deny their own
feelings.
- Don't isolate yourself. Although you may not
feel much like celebrating, accept a few invitations.
- Don't accept every invitation or throw yourself
into work in an effort to keep busy. It may
only add more stress.
- Don't expect to go through defined stages
of grief. Every person is different and every
relationship is unique.
- Don't act as if your loved one never lived.
- Don't be afraid to cry. Crying is like the
valve on a pressure cooker. It lets the steam
out.
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If someone you know is grieving: |
- Encourage him or her to talk about their
feelings. Listen to them. 98 percent of people
who have recently lost someone want to talk
about the person who died.
- Let them cry.
- Don't pretend their loved one didn't die
- it's okay to say the deceased's name.
- Don't say things like:
° "At least he's not suffering anymore"
° "She's in a better place."
° "I know you'll miss him."
°"I know how you feel."
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